As I begin a new chapter of sorts in my life, the following three words have been on my mind:
I am slowly learning that I can have a preference for the way I would like things to happen, but I must avoid an attachment to it. What I want and what my soul needs can often be two very different things. This has been a tough concept for me to accept. It takes surrendering to the universe. It takes faith and trust. Three things that do not come easy for me.
Why does surrendering, faith and trust not come easy for me? It requires letting go of control. Or rather, the illusion of control because we are never really in control of anything. Why do I want to control? Fear. I often live in a place of fear. You name it and I fear it. (Except death. Oddly, that used to be my greatest fear and now it is my least!) I fear disappointing people. I fear not doing something well….anything well. I fear not living to my potential. I fear never becoming anything more than what I am. I fear pain. I fear never being at peace. I fear never being truly loved. I can not control any of these things so I try to find other things I can control such as, keeping my house clean. Doesn’t that sound insane? I am laughing at myself just thinking about it. Honestly, who would guess that my obsession with cleanliness came from fear of life?
Another form of control is using distractions. If I don’t know what to do with an emotion, or I am trying to write and nothing is coming out, or I simply want to run from what I know I should be doing, I will find a distraction. Usually, it involves cleaning (again), or running errands. Again, I find myself laughing at the ridiculousness of it all! I will make up “To Do Lists” to distract me from the real “To Do List!”
These are things I am learning to recognize in myself. Now the trick is that once I recognize what I am doing that I STOP doing it!
As I begin to peel back layers of myself, I am finding a lot of deep seeded issues. Feelings and thought patterns that have been ruling my life. I want to zip myself back up and not deal with it because I am not sure how. There are times when I feel I do not have the tools or support to take on my own self. But I do. I do. Everything I need is already inside me. I have to learn to trust it. I have to learn to have faith.
I also have to learn to let others help me. This is something I have recently discovered about myself…I find it almost impossible to accept help from others! I think this comes from four things, 1. I am often let down by others so if I don’t rely on any one, they can’t let me down, 2. I don’t have to put expectations of myself that could lead to failure, 3. I was brought up in a family that taught me that to ask for help was placing a burden on others and we simply did not do that, 4. I don’t feel worthy of any one’s help. When I think about all of these together, the thick brick wall I put up makes so much sense when others offer me help!
I think the first one is the toughest for me to overcome and that goes back to not having attachments, but there is a huge part of me that wants to believe in someone. Believe they really care and will do as they say. I have to believe that there are people out there that are true to their word. I desperately want to believe that but I sense that I need to let go of that desire as well. Am I wanting these things for the wrong reason? Am I just wanting to be taken care of? Am I wanting an escape from what I should do myself? Do I place too high of expectations on others? These are questions I don’t have the answers to yet.
After writing through that, I now think number four is the toughest…I don’t feel worthy. If I don’t think I am worthy, no one else will. Hmm…that might be a good place to start.
I am worthy.